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All posts for the month May, 2014

Sometimes You Have To Burn Bridges

Published May 25, 2014 by Tabby
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In Marriage

Published May 24, 2014 by Tabby

20140524-223504-81304359.jpg“I have always been petrified of marriage – absolutely afraid. I’ve felt like once I would get married, someone would want to change me, and I would have no choice but to become this locked-up specimen in a box. I’m worried about losing my freedom of expression. People who meet me go, ‘Oh, you’re really fun and wild’. Then as soon as they get to know me, they go, ‘Well don’t do that’. And then I don’t do it. And I become this separate person from who I was. Then I resent the person who was trying to change me.”

Sandra Bullock

I don’t believe marriage is a horrible thing, but with the wrong person it can chew you up and then spit you out, forever leaving scars. Though those scars may fade, they’ll always be there.

To those of you who are in a happy, healthy relationship/marriage, count yourself very lucky.

Fate, Not Luck: Where I Was Always Supposed to Be

Published May 9, 2014 by Tabby

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 Have you ever lost something/someone in your life or felt you were heading in a wrong direction, or at least the one you weren’t meant for? Four years ago I lost the person most dear to me. When I say loss I don’t mean death. I mean a severing of every ounce of my being as they chose a direction in life that didn’t include me. After intense mourning I picked myself up and sought a pleasing path in life. Now, in an uncomprehending turn of events, he has come back. And he still feels like home.

What happens when you get off track for years and then the option comes back? Maybe this option is back because that was the track you were always meant to be on. Perhaps you have to be away from it for a while to grow and learn to fully appreciate it. I always felt like my life was half-assed after the end of us. Not because I didn’t try, I broke myself trying so hard to find/make something right. To have a new dream, a new path in life. But nothing ever felt right. I felt like I was living in this horrible limbo, with nothing I could do to ever make anything right.

With the events in both our lives in the past four years apart without any contact, I believe that we would have eventually found each other again. We both had experiences that forced us to learn the lessons we needed to understand each other. This time, for the first time since May 13, 2011, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. Maybe we can talk naturally like nothing ever happened because we were always meant to be together. It was fate, not luck.

But now there are choices. I can keep stumbling through life, lost, with the hope that I find a path I want, even though deep down I know one doesn’t exist for me. Or I have the opportunity to get back on track, have the life I was always meant to have. Both comes with risk: in the first option I could live forever in limbo. In the second I could lose him and have to experience the severing again.

Oddly after the first contact, I felt no anger. I felt a rush of emotion I haven’t been able to feel in four years. I simultaneously wanted to cry and smile. Even though I had clung to so much hurt and anger for years, in that instant I realized I had let it go. He said everything I’d wanted, and more importantly, needed, to hear all along and never realized it. Even though I am in no way a risk-taker, I knew this was where I was supposed to be. It was where he was supposed to be. This is how we find a home, it’s how we make a life.

I loathe to admit it, but I am so scared…and excited. Just like when we first met when I was seventeen years old I giddily await his message, cling to every word, and for the first time in years, care about someone. I don’t have to pretend, or tell myself this is what emotion will feel like for the rest of my life. It’s there, I know it’s always been there.

In this exciting, terrifying, and beautiful time, I have turned to music as I always do. This song by Ellie Goulding perfectly speaks to me.

 

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” I Know You Care”

Clinging to me

Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don’t recognize the street

Please don’t close your eyes
Don’t know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by
I never heard them until now

I know you care
I know it has always been there
But there’s trouble ahead, I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it

Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I’ll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care

I used to run down the stairs
To the door and I thought you were there
Do you shape through to the comfort of us?
Two lovers loved out of love

Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
Thought there was trouble ahead, I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it

Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I’ll be saving myself from the ruin

And know it wasn’t always wrong
But I’ve never known a winter so cold
Now I don’t warm my hands in your coat
But I still hope

‘Cause this is how things ought to have been
And I know the worst of it wasn’t all that it seemed
Why can’t I dream?
Why can’t I dream?

‘Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it’s always been there

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